Let's play a game. What's ravenous and, if you make it angry, you'll surely be sorry? If you read the title you already know. What I'm talking about is a bear. Do you ever feel like a bear? I do. Sometimes I feel like a Black bear or a Brown bear. You know, I just want to sit around and eat and sleep all day. Every now and again, I feel like a Panda bear. I'm extremely clumsy and just want to be by myself. Other times, I feel like a Polar bear. Okay, so not the athletic part of the polar bear. I mean, 80 Km in ice cold water without resting? But that leads me to the curious part. If you know me well, you know I'm always wondering about something. Like, how far can a polar bear swim? Gotta love Google! There are, of course, other types of bears (though to be clear, a Koala bear is not a bear but a marsupial). However, the bear I want to talk about is the Grizzly bear. Boy is it going to be a bad day when I feel the onset of the Grizzly!
I seldom wake as the Grizzly. Normally, it is brought on by a hunter. Someone who willingly goes after the bear. There are many reasons they go hunting. Sometimes they are just out for a fight while other times they just need to give the bear some unfortunate bad news. Okay, so I'm being a little melodramatic with my metaphors here. The truth is, sometimes the reasons that the Grizzly shows up aren't so cut and dry. Sometimes, it can be as small and insignificant as a falling leaf in the forest.
Now, as all you die hard fans (ha ha ha) know, this blog, at it's heart, is about BPD. I use the analogy of the Grizzly to act as a representation of the pure, blind rage a BPDer experiences. As the Grizzly, no one else matters. Okay, I take that back. They matter. Yes, they matter in the way that I would like to first trip them and then smack them full force in the forehead with a permanent brand that reads...well, various horrible descriptions. At the very least I would like to growl so forcefully that their hair blows backward as if in a cartoon. But wait, I'm missing something! What is it? GRR! I don't care! Me mad ! GRR! Damn! It's the Grizzly again. Okay, think... Alright, you get the point. The Grizzly is not reasonable. However, in therapy we learned about the "wise mind." We also learned that us BPDers tend to take things so personally, that we end up pushing everyone away and wind up alone. Okay, so I knew about that part. The question is, can the the Grizzly possess a wise mind? Yes, I know I just said the Grizzly is unreasonable but if given the right skills, can it be trained?. You know, like a lion. Or a man. Notice that I did not say change. Because you can't change any of those thing (especially the man). But I digress.
I do believe the Grizzly can be trained. Some days will always be worse than others. Some hunters only wound you while others feel like they're jabbing a knife into your heart. And sometimes the Grizzly will only roar while other days it will retreat to it's cave, kick the walls, and lick it's wound until it falls asleep. Metaphor aside, in a blind rage I am completely inconsolable. I have never had a physical response towards another person while in a rage. An unfortunately large number of people with BPD have, and still do. Another symptom, if you will, of my rage, is muddled thinking. I don't know what thoughts, feelings, or perceptions are real and what aren't. I know I don't always see things wrong, but what I don't know is when those times stop and the disorder starts. And if there is uncontrollable crying, believe me, I think I'm just as crazy as you do.
Training the Grizzly will be a lifelong pursuit. I won't lie, it is exhausting to think about. However, my bear free days outnumber the Grizzly days by a wide margin. It really gives new meaning to the phrase, "Don't Poke The Bear."
I seldom wake as the Grizzly. Normally, it is brought on by a hunter. Someone who willingly goes after the bear. There are many reasons they go hunting. Sometimes they are just out for a fight while other times they just need to give the bear some unfortunate bad news. Okay, so I'm being a little melodramatic with my metaphors here. The truth is, sometimes the reasons that the Grizzly shows up aren't so cut and dry. Sometimes, it can be as small and insignificant as a falling leaf in the forest.
Now, as all you die hard fans (ha ha ha) know, this blog, at it's heart, is about BPD. I use the analogy of the Grizzly to act as a representation of the pure, blind rage a BPDer experiences. As the Grizzly, no one else matters. Okay, I take that back. They matter. Yes, they matter in the way that I would like to first trip them and then smack them full force in the forehead with a permanent brand that reads...well, various horrible descriptions. At the very least I would like to growl so forcefully that their hair blows backward as if in a cartoon. But wait, I'm missing something! What is it? GRR! I don't care! Me mad ! GRR! Damn! It's the Grizzly again. Okay, think... Alright, you get the point. The Grizzly is not reasonable. However, in therapy we learned about the "wise mind." We also learned that us BPDers tend to take things so personally, that we end up pushing everyone away and wind up alone. Okay, so I knew about that part. The question is, can the the Grizzly possess a wise mind? Yes, I know I just said the Grizzly is unreasonable but if given the right skills, can it be trained?. You know, like a lion. Or a man. Notice that I did not say change. Because you can't change any of those thing (especially the man). But I digress.
I do believe the Grizzly can be trained. Some days will always be worse than others. Some hunters only wound you while others feel like they're jabbing a knife into your heart. And sometimes the Grizzly will only roar while other days it will retreat to it's cave, kick the walls, and lick it's wound until it falls asleep. Metaphor aside, in a blind rage I am completely inconsolable. I have never had a physical response towards another person while in a rage. An unfortunately large number of people with BPD have, and still do. Another symptom, if you will, of my rage, is muddled thinking. I don't know what thoughts, feelings, or perceptions are real and what aren't. I know I don't always see things wrong, but what I don't know is when those times stop and the disorder starts. And if there is uncontrollable crying, believe me, I think I'm just as crazy as you do.
Training the Grizzly will be a lifelong pursuit. I won't lie, it is exhausting to think about. However, my bear free days outnumber the Grizzly days by a wide margin. It really gives new meaning to the phrase, "Don't Poke The Bear."
