I have decided to start a blog in order to give the "public" an inside view of life through my eyes. Or maybe I should say emotions. You see, I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Sounds scary right? Well, in a nutshell it means my emotions can get overly exaggerated. Where one person may feel sad, I can feel suicidal. Where one person is happy, I can seem to be on uppers. Where one person is mad, well, I can punch my hand through a cement wall. Okay, maybe not. But I would break my hand trying. Not to say I have ever tried that, I haven't. I'm just trying to get my point across. And because that isn't enough, I've suffered from panic attacks and depression since the age of 10. Those aren't my only problems but they are the ones that control most of my life.
This blog will be a current blog but who we are is comprised by both our past and present. I'm sure most people begin a blog at the beginning of something in their life. Marriage, divorce, new job, move, pregnancy, etc.,. I can honestly say I am at the beginning of nothing. I'm in a lull and have been in a lull for almost a year. Not that life was all that interesting before but it did consist of more than food, television, food, and sleep (probably dreaming of food). Do you believe that? You shouldn't. Remember that first paragraph? Yeah, I may physically be doing nothing but in my head the synapses are on the fritz. Have you ever seen those drawings of nodes with little round balls drawn between them signifying communication between the brain synapses? Those balls are neurotransmitters. It should be a game of putt-putt. Easy holes in one. Instead it's more like a game of dodgeball between the blind. I always hated dodgeball.
So there is my "scientific" explanation of the events in my head. If it's hard to imagine despair not! I am a walking example. Or sitting, which is more likely. Now to be honest, I don't mind the the happy part. Who wouldn't want to be extra happy? No one right? Especially when the lows are epic and a lot more frequent. So what's the catch? It's exactly that. My filter catches less than it should. I tend to have a looser tongue and lower inhibitions. Now don't get me wrong. I don't lose my christianity. That's diamond cut on my soul. I remember my morals. But everything else is fair game. I've been told that isn't a good thing because when it goes away I get the epic low which can be dangerous. I understand the logic but I respectively disagree. Or at least I'm being stubborn about it. I love feeling that free because usually I feel like I'm being swallowed by quicksand.
So let's talk about today. Or yesterday since it is after midnight. Today was a day of avoidance. As in, what can I do to take my mind off how lonely I am? Family is in Hawaii though I am more relaxed when they are gone. They drive me crazy. No phone calls. No messages on FB which is my lifeline to the outside world. People I know are having birthdays everyday and I envy the love and attention they are undoubtedly getting. My birthday in less than a week away. And what will I be doing? The same thing I did today. Sitting on the couch watching TV. Family will still be in Hawaii and I wonder if they will remember. I haven't decided whether I want them to or not. It will be a knife to the heart if they don't but then again, I sure would have something to hold over their head. I know that isn't healthy thinking. Wanting someone to feel bad is awful. But I admit it for all to see. Or no one which is more likely.
So I know you've been wondering what the elephant in the room is. Why is that the title of my blog? It's simple really. The elephant in the room is this other me. The one blindly playing dodgeball. Everyone feels it but no one says anything. And for those who know, maybe it's my imagination, but I swear they scope out all possible exits in case there is a elephant stampede. Maybe one day the elephant can be tamed but for now, I'll just have to take it one day at a time.
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