Entry Six. Darn it, I'm a princess!

     When women are little girls they are often called princesses. They like to dress up and pretend they are these, said, princesses. Inevitably though, someone pulls the rug out from under them and they are thrown into the real world. For some, they find their footing easily. For others, their life might as well be like a sock in a dryer. Spinning in a chaotic "hot mess." Sometimes, they even get completely lost. Eaten by the machine, or rather, society. I am, without a doubt, the "hot mess."  However, I have been nearly lost a number of times.

     Now, you may think it silly, but I still see myself as a princess. Unfortunately, the princess is Cinderella without the hopes of a fairy godmother, much less, a prince. I did kiss a toad once. The only thing it turned into was toadskin baggage. And I mean, A LOT of baggage. I tried carrying it again and again but each time it threw me down leaving bruises and scars that may never heal. Eventually, the price for carrying that kind of baggage became too high. So here I sit, Cinderella, darning my "hot mess" socks. Playing the role of evil stepmother and stepsisters are BPD, depression, and panic attacks. Like Cinderella, I have been obeying their orders for years with no way out. Unlike Cinderella, I won't be waiting on that fairy godmother or the prince. It may take time to learn to darn my socks well, but I'm making an effort. I'm even taking lessons.

     So I know you're wondering how this Cinderella will turn into a princess without a fairy godmother or a prince. The answer is, I won't. But I can have the courage of one. In the movie, "The Princess Diaries," Mia finds a letter in whch her father passes on a piece of wisdom. He states, that "courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all." In life, you will always "be traveling the road between who you think you are, and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey."  So I may make this "hot mess" journey with fear; but more importantly, I will also be making it with courage. After all, I may only be darning now, but once I'm done, I will find my own footing (in warm socks). I may even turn out to be a true princess, albeit only on the inside.

     So ask yourself, who do you think you are. Then ask yourself who you could be. It may be a long road to figuring it out, but isn't it worth the journey?