Okay, so I know it's been over two weeks since I've posted anything but in my defense, I've been reading. And reading is respectable right? For me, when I start a book everything else gets put on hold. And since I was reading a book series, it was an extra long hold. Anyway, in the last four days or so I've been thinking about children. Or rather, my lack there of. I just turned 35 and for the first time in 13 or so years, my menstrual cycle is normal. No longer are my eggs turning into lifeless cysts but into sources of life themselves. Consequently, a door that I considered closed a long time ago, has now cracked open.
Years ago when I was around the age of 15 or 16 I made the decision to never have children. At the time I only suffered from depression and panic attacks. But I just couldn't imagine having a child and passing on my genetically mutated soup mix. It seemed irresponsible and narcissistic. The world didn't need another screwed up me. When I stopped having a period around the age of 21 or 22 I thought maybe God was in agreement with my decision. At the time I had my first real boyfriend, we were in love, and we planned on getting married. I had never been with a man so I hadn't had to worry about getting pregnant. No period, no kids. Yet, from time to time it would bother me. Sometimes I felt like I really wanted to have my future husband's children. Sometimes I felt annoyed that the option was taken away from me regardless of my "no kids" decision. But as ridiculous as I knew it was, I let myself believe it was a part of God's plan.
That leads me to now. As Father Time has dragged me kicking and screaming into my mid thirties, Mother Nature has shown her sense of humor by flipping my on switch. I am NOT a happy camper. I can't help but think, "What are you thinking God?!" The husband is gone and I have no money for anything like IVF. Besides that, I still worry of passing on my genetic soup, especially when it has continued to mutate over the years. How can I consciously give a child BPD? Okay, so it isn't a forgone conclusion that the child would get BPD but the chance that they will be perfectly healthy is almost nil. It's not like I want to pass on depression or panic attacks either. But there is another school of thought that is playing a tune in my head. How much faith do I have in God? Do I believe God can do ALL things? Surely God can break this generational curse. But do I really believe that? Honestly, I think he can. But will he? Maybe it isn't his will to bless me with a healthy child. Don't look that way at me. Children with Down's, Autism, etc., are born everyday. Why? I don't know. But it scares me.
I guess the bottom line is that I don't have to worry about it right now. I may never have to worry about it. But one thing is certain. As Father Time shoves me up the age hill, I will eventually be thrown down the other side. And if I get my way, I'm taking Mother Nature with me. I think she owes me a few bumps and bruises.
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