Day Four. Listen, I'm a Dreamgirl.

     I love the show Glee. I tape it every week and decided to watch last night's episode again. Midway through there was a song that really spoke to me. It is called "Listen" from Dreamgirls. I have always sang. I took private lessons outside of school, took lessons in college, and even took private lessons in my adult life. As a teenger, being in the church youth choir was heaven to me. I never had dreams of becoming famous. I wouldn't be able to handle it and besides, I'm quite shy in front of other people. But I always thought singing a couple of sets at a piano bar in the evenings would be cool.
     There are very few things that can break through to someone with BPD when it is out of control. The same goes for depression, panic attacks, and the like. I learned at a very young age that music was a source of strength for me. I could express myself. I could release the negative energy in a positive way. Belt out the pain. When I couldn't get out of my head and understand what was going inside of me, music made a way. As songs melted through all the chaos one would grab me and become a voice to my madness.
     Now back to Glee, in the song "Listen" the singer is telling another person that she is more than what they pegged her to be. She doesn't fit into the small box they put her in anymore. She has finally found herself and is expanding her world to have no boundaries. But I see that song as an anthem I would sing to my BPD and it's creator who comes to steal, kill, and in my case, destroy. That I am more than this disease I have been cursed with. It doesn't define me. It may have quieted my voice with it's own but my voice is growing stronger. It may be a slow progression but I can already hear a hum. Eventually the day will come when my voice will burst out in a song all it's own and the elephant will cease to trumpet ever again. It will listen to ME.
     I may have given up on all my dreams a long time ago. But now, I'm a dreamgirl again.